5 posts tagged “friendship”

I had a post on The Dog, The Cat and Web 2.0 a while ago and a few on friendship, its disconnect online and offline so I think it would be appropriate to celebrate Wall Street's anniversary and the change in how we can 'get' a friend after 20 years, with Gordon Gekko's quote in the movie:

I had a recent post on friendship, then a few casting a cat with a dog [Also read: Gordon Gekko's Social Graph] and a grocery store clerk in social networks, with my personal thoughts on making friends and comparing Web 2.0 with offline and online behavior.

Here are a couple of studies I found through Valleywag that are very relevant and bring out the paradox in the two worlds or maybe more appropriately, first and second life:

• England's Sheffield Hallam University's Dr. Will Reader studies whether social networks, with the aid of "add friend", helps in making friends.
  

The article states "The advent of online social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook is changing the average number of friends people have, with some users befriending literally thousands of others, Dr Will Reader of Sheffield Hallam University told the BA Festival of Science on Monday."

Then he goes on to find out that, not surprisingly:"Some 90 per cent of the online friends rated as ‘close’ have been met face-to-face". But wait, there is more - more disconnect with the online and offline friends:
The article refers to Dunbar's Number, also referred to by Malcolm Gladwell, in his book, The Tipping Point "that the average person has a social network of around 150 friends, ranging from very close friends to casual acquaintances.

The irony of all this is to consider a study as recent as in 2006, that brings out the decline in friendship.

"The study states that 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and that the average total number of confidants per person has dropped to 2."

• The second reference was to a Times of London article about the "Facebook Suicide". More importantly though, is this quote, which is very relevant:

"Patricia Rogers, a counsellor and fellow of the BACP, even worries that the feelings that lead to Facebook suicide could trigger the loneliness [ref: slippery slope of loneliness in prior post here] and lack of self-esteem felt by people who really do take their own lives.
"It could be incredibly damaging for the ego to realise that you haven't got as many friends as you thought you had, or that those friends aren't particularly meaningful," she says"
 
Imagine: Social is Social Does [not social "adds"]

There was a recent study that I read about through The Daily Telegraph's website called "Art of Chatting Face to Face Dying"

As you will read, psychologist, Harvard Business School researcher and etiquette columnist Robin Abrahams quotes 

"In the past, only about 40 per cent of people reported being shy in social situations." Now she says it affects half of our society due to technology. Furthermore, recently, Larry Magid, a syndicated journalist questioned technology and the complications that come with it here. 

Finally you also see the rise (Today's article in The San Jose Mercury News by Dean Takahashi states that "recent surveys show two-thirds of U.S. Internet users already visit a social networking service at least once a month") of the social networks (Disclaimer - I work with them and use most of them very frequently including this one), we see the rise of individuals with hundreds and thousands of friends. It is indeed ironic that as technology enables us to "add friend"s (Definition of Friendship according to Wikipedia), we are losing the art of chatting face to face and we are becoming less social - at least in our 'first life'. According to a nice contemplative post by Steve Rubel - The Web Changes How We Define Friendship.

One of the things that appealed to me most when I was fresh off the boat, leaving India in 1999 for the first time, was the opportunity to smile at everyone and share a joke or two. Little did I realize in the beginning that 'How Are you Doing" did not solicit a real response - it was a greeting only. I was not meant to actually stop and respond with sincerity. With time, I also realized that there were many people whom I met, at coffee shops or a grocery store, who were ready to disclose it all - we did not know each other. I believe they had a sense of security from that very fact that we did not know each other - their privacy was not being intruded since we would probably never meet. It feels a lot like that now - but online.

It does concern me a bit since America's culture of privacy with real people we know and the often small talk with strangers can easily lead to a lonelier slope for many. Social networks and the ability to sit alone and 'add friend's is a path of least resistance where there is no serious commitment to the relationship. It is all asynchronous and at one's own convenience. Recent studies further show this decline in the American culture.

Being a person who strongly believes that I am who I am and live a very fulfilling life because of the people around me (beginning with family), in my humble opinion, the single biggest power of these online resources is:

• The ability to enhance your reach to find and meet people (offline) whom you could not get to before.
• It compliments your face to face (pun intended) relationship and helps you sustain them on a long term basis
  
• It empowers you to surround yourself with people smarter than you
• And finally and very importantly, it enables you to be interested rather than being interesting 

Step back a little - do you have at least 2 confidantes (that an average American has)

Imagine: You are Connect-able

Mike Kuniavsky of San Francisco has a site called Tired.com and he is ready to "listen" to you.... if you are tired!

The Wall Street Journal covered it 3 days ago here called "'Are You Tired?' A Web Designer Asks.Don't Get Me Started" by Vauhini Vara and it was amazing to learn that in 9 years, Mike has recived 42,000 emails from people telling him their stories! These stories come from parents, kids and surfers and to me it is a very interesting insight into the behavioral trends of America (a personal interest and hobby of mine).

I thought this article tied in well with my prior post here on socializing - online and offline but also was very interesting since from the time I landed in the US (in 1999), one thing that was told to me with emphasis was that America is a very private society and privacy is of utmost importance unlike where I came from - India.

So when I look at online social networks like MySpace, Facebook and trillions other mushrooming every where, I find it a paradox to see the privacy that people care about the most offline is insignificant online. People seem to be ready to befriend total strangers, share any moment of their life through pictures and now even write to an anonymous recipient about their fatigue! If that is not enough, they are also using sites like Postsecret.com or notproud.com to spill their secrets.

To me personally, this seems to be a pure outcome of the fact that people are becoming more and more isolated but instead of actually investing in real offline relationships - which means compromise and sacrifices - are taking the path of least resistance. I am not surprised that the new web is all about user generated content :)

Imagine -  Providing friendship as a service!

Undoubtedly online social networking companies are mushrooming every day, getting funded and some existing ones flourishing. Personally, being an avid user of online social network "tools", I see them as good compliment to the face-to-face experiences professionally but never a replacement for them.

I was intrigued, but not at all surprised, when I heard this program titled "Marriages and Relationships" on On Point, on NPR, hosted by Tom Ashbrook on my way down to Monterey this last Thursday (Yeah - rough life :)

You can hear the full discourse here but here are the findings that did NOT surprise me:

"Married Americans report they have fewer close friends and confidants outside their marriage. Many have only their wife or husband to really talk to -- openly, honestly, intimately."

In the program they go on to say that studies show that an average American now has only 2.08 people to trust and share intimate details with..... it used to be approximately 3.0, 20 years ago!

One of the guests was Lynn Smith-Lovin, professor of sociology at Duke University and co-author of "Social Isolation in America: Change in Core Discussion Networks Over Two Decades"

I will leave it as a food for thought now but I wonder if there is a relationship between the two - online and offline social networks. I dont know.

How many "confidantes" do you have?

Anyway, time to build relationships offline - off for 6 wonderful days in green and wet OR for some wine and turkey by a fireplace and 2 sets of grandparents doting on their first grand daughter, my 9 month old Amelie!!!